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Communication Breakdown

February 19, 2015

Found in an (undisclosed) location, links disabled.
Placed here for posterity.

By VTS
posted 19 Feb 2015, 06:36
“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.”
Fyodor Dostoyevsky

With so many ways to stay in touch with people these days, why are things so often puzzling, left unsaid or growing apart?

It is so weird how things function online and off; sometimes someone is right there all along, just an email, tweet, text, call, voice/video message, post, or PM away from becoming one of your greatest friends in life yet how often do we seize the initiative and send it?

People are strange, too. I recall a former friend of mine on this site whom I got along with quite well and had exchanged personal information. I liked her and she was (and is) an amazing individual. I was busy and roaming out of town and such and didn’t hear from her in months, nor did I send anything. When I did, to again touch base and see how she was doing – she has some health struggles – she told me that we weren’t close, said I dropped her when I saw what she looked like (???) and then, after a lengthy response on my part, ignored my message and unfriended me. This despite ME being the one reaching out to re-connect, and her also being quite able to send me a message in more than one form if needed. She never did – yet somehow I was at fault.

Odd behavior and sadly not uncommon, at least not in my experience. Another user on here behaved in much the same way; again I was the one that messaged her to say hello, after just a few days break. She said that I must be too busy for her, etc. when again – I was the one reaching out. Yet a different person was someone I was close to for months on end, until they suddenly just…stopped responding, with no explanation. Not one word said, just a cold and callous finality to a long, happy, and fruitful friendship. If you are angry or upset with me or have some issue, hey, at least have the courage to tell me to fuck off to my face – or bother to elaborate on the issue. But after so many great conversations, good times and laughs, and so much more, to just have someone not say a word to you and you can’t help but wonder why…yeah, that’s a tough one to take, and what she did will stay with me forever, unresolved and an open wound.

image

All this comes up because, as usual, I took the chance and PM’d a good friend of mine that I haven’t talked to in months and bluntly and directly asked if there was an issue, after some of my previous messages were not responded to. Thankfully, in this case, I was relieved to learn they were just busy and had some problems at home that needed to be dealt with but assuredly would be in touch again soon. Another one PM’d me to discuss some KAT-related stuff earlier, which was great, and we had a good conversation and promised to keep in contact and resume our little habits here and there when we could. A few people I owe a response to – but they have been out of town or unavailable and I haven’t forgotten, and WILL make the effort to talk to them again. Others I miss dearly, and haven’t heard back from them in ages, though I still try. Without much success, I’m afraid. 😦

It never hurts to try, does it?

It really doesn’t; if someone matters to you then you can’t sit back forever and hope that THEY will be the ones to hit you up; and you may legitimately ask – don’t they care, too? Why does it always have to be me? Why the hell should I bother when others don’t have the same decency? Well, yes, you do want to feel loved and wanted and needed from time to time, we all do – but if everyone thought that way, then no one would ever give a damn about anyone else. So swallow your frustration and make that call, send that message or do whatever you can – at least you know you tried, in that way. Sometimes a quick hi and hello is all it takes to let those in your circle know – hey, I thought of you today, hope you are well, I’m okay and maybe we can catch up in detail soon. 🙂 It’s not too hard, and often worth your time and effort.

image

I am reminded of our beloved eastendgirl, with whom I briefly lost touch; she was so livid at me for not giving her my number earlier when I deleted my account for a spell, because she really wanted to stay in contact with me and that touched me deeply, some of the things she said – it was one of the reasons I re-activated. From that time we talked on and off sporadically but at least once or twice a week and I was on a call with her just a few days before she passed away. I will never forget that, or her, and both of our collective efforts to stay communicating with each other. That’s how real friends should be.

If I haven’t gotten back to you in the past, and you’re reading this – I’m sorry; please fire me something when you can and I’ll try and do better. If you have gotten a message from me and haven’t responded – hey, it’s okay, but I would love to hear from you when you get a chance. Hope you are well, not too busy, and that it’s nothing personal. If I did something to upset or offend you, I sincerely apologize; let’s make amends and be friends once more. If you are someone I regularly talk to, and frequently are around – I’m glad to have you in my life, and thanks for being there for me so much. 🙂 I only wish to repay that kindness wherever and whenever possible, as the time comes.

Time comes for us all, so while we are here, we might as well maximize what little we get in this life and that means remembering that one person you might otherwise be neglecting and then taking a moment to say – hey, what’s up? Chances are you won’t regret it one bit. 😉

Top Comments

johnno23
• 19 Feb 2015, 07:01
People are the centre of their own worlds and often too selfish to realise that all people have a centre.
Just look at mobile phones………..you could be in discussion with someone you have not seen for 30 years but the mobile rings…you switch it off and the person ringing gets annoyed ???
I could ask why ??
In the old days a phone would ring and you could ignore it and people would assume you were out but these days they can get you anytime anywhere and then have the audacity to get angry if you don’t answer.
Now that is not an answer to your blog mate but it is a reality of todays mentality.
Real friends pick up where you left off regardless of the passage of time.

sz235711
• 19 Feb 2015, 08:18
I am always embarrassed when somebody asks the question in English ‘How are you?’. I am not able to respond ‘How are you’, because in my culture it is disrespect to respond without frank reply.
It is expected to give a brief analysis of your current health mental financial relationship or other status.
Now you probably think that it can be hard to listen to other people’s problems all day, but you are wrong.
The really difficult task to honestly answer the question. Maybe that’s why they are doing this less and less.Well my KAT fellows, how are you?
winkEdit: I forgot to mention that in our country people are not only used to talk about their problems. I am also regularly informed about the piquant details of others previous night. lol
Dr3bb3n
• 19 Feb 2015, 09:08 (5 hours ago)

“I’m phoning to let you know I’ve faxed you to say I’ve sent an email asking you to call me”

All Comments

CaeSarcasm
• 2 min. ago
It is not about the amount of contact, but the loyalty, honesty, respect, equal values and sharing the comedy and tragedy of life.
We base our friendships on those things, and when the other side loses their “touch” we still feel bad/sad.I’ve had friends that I would go to hell and back for and for some I really did to that, but when you find out they have not nearly the same level of loyalty, or even having friends betraying your friendship for a lousy 50 Euro’s you lend them, and never return. It’s like a knife in your back. It made me more and more hesitating with trusting people to the point where I lost my empathy and respect for those “so called friends.” There are people who I hope I never will see again because when I do I will open up a can of whoop-ass for free.

Wolverine1877
• 19 February 2015, 13:37
” There will come a day when the people of this world will realize how alienated technology has made us and they will put down there electronic devices. ”
–Me

SuperGogeta
• 19 February 2015, 13:23
In the pic stated. 6,8,10 those are the only means of communication I generally use.
I have about 100 mins of talk time left in my phone yet I only chat rather than call. I prefer face to face talk.
10>6>8 this is my priority.Funny thing with IM is that the older friends I have are the most busiest(lie), only the ones I meet regularly IM more often with me, Guess it’s the same everywhere(with few exceptions).What’s your priority list of the communication methods stated in the pic?

PaganWinter

• 19 February 2015, 10:58

People are cunts, obsessed with their virtual fucking worlds.

TillyNats
• 19 February 2015, 10:58
This comes from the guy who wrote this 4 hours ago after I messaged him 5 hours ago! finger GRRRR!!! huffy Good job Im the forgiving type! tongue
bleuetoile
• 19 February 2015, 09:28

Nice blog post, VTS! Beautiful. But the truth is things are more complicated, and becoming more and more complicated as we grow older.

When you are young – notions like “time”, “problems”, “closeness” have very simple meaning. And I would say – easy meaning, and easy solutions.

But with the age – some, perhaps – most of us are becoming more and more trapped into stupid daily conformist chains, and it becomes harder, and harder to be your true self, to listen to your true self, because you are so busy to carry the heavy burden of you problems, your history, your responsibility, social acceptance, not to burden others with your own problems… etc…

And as Suzy points in her comment above – some of the time, and I would say – most of the time questions like “how are you?” from a friend are not supposed to be answered like “Oh, I have so many problems, health, work, family is broken, all my life is broken, I am so depressed!” – but with something like “Oh, I am just fine, thank you for asking. How are you?” or no answer at all but the simple auto generated question “Thanks, How are?”.

What a communication, really..?

But thats how life is. Very Buddhist I would say, but not only. Even the so popular and modern esoteric consent of perception teaches the same – dont ever burden yourself with others problems, others dark thinking, close your eyes and wad your ears when others are trying to impose you their problems. Period.

Cool. Very Humanistic too. And very kind. Where did the sympathy and empathy went?

But life goes on. Right..? wink

Dr3bb3n
• 19 February 2015, 09:08

“I’m phoning to let you know I’ve faxed you to say I’ve sent an email asking you to call me”

Red
• 19 February 2015, 09:42

Genius!

Dr3bb3n
• 19 February 2015, 13:36

Truth is stranger than fiction . . . thump_up wink

Spectre
• 19 February 2015, 08:50

I forget how to 10

Spectre
• 19 February 2015, 08:50

I forget how to 10

sz235711
• 19 February 2015, 08:18
I am always embarrassed when somebody asks the question in English ‘How are you?’. I am not able to respond ‘How are you’, because in my culture it is disrespect to respond without frank reply.
It is expected to give a brief analysis of your current health mental financial relationship or other status.
Now you probably think that it can be hard to listen to other people’s problems all day, but you are wrong.
The really difficult task to honestly answer the question. Maybe that’s why they are doing this less and less.Well my KAT fellows, how are you?
winkEdit: I forgot to mention that in our country people are not only used to talk about their problems. I am also regularly informed about the piquant details of others previous night. lol

CaeSarcasm

• 19 February 2015, 14:10

I’m fine, but will be a lot finer when I have a new computer!

But I agree, what’s the point of asking how are you? if people are afraid the other side will look negatively on them when they describe their problems. Problems, everyone has them…

ShadyThGod
• 19 February 2015, 08:04

Tl:dr – too long didn’t read

sz235711

• 19 February 2015, 08:19

How are you ShadyThGod ?

Red
• 19 February 2015, 09:36

Blogs are normally long..kinda curious as to why you came to one then?

TheLemur
• 19 February 2015, 07:44

A lot of interpersonal behavour can be explained by our desire to avoid a place where we feel trivialized.

To initiate contact is to demonstrate more care about the relationship than the other person, implying a value imbalance. People play a game of chicken with each other sometimes, each hoping the other will make contact.

LadyMads
• 19 February 2015, 07:22

I probably stay in touch to much for my own good. Sort of toned it down because i don’t want to feel like I am imposing. I feel for you Vic because it does hurt when you send messages and get flat out ignored, but guess what, I am growing a nice thick skin. People can be so fickle. One day they are your best bud, the next day, your nothing. Sad but true.sad

johnno23

• 19 February 2015, 07:50
When I was a kid there was a limited choice of candy in the store.
I spent ages trying to choose best value taste etc to match the 2 pennies in my pocket and my gran had the patience of a saint.
She would say “Choose wisely as they are like friends, some will last others are sour but the best are the ones you always return to”
With todays internet of things there is so much choice we are sampled tasted and spat out as the variety is so wide and people continue to look for something better even when they have had the best they think that the best is still to come……..fickle is a nice word Mads but I find people have become too impatient.
The hard outer layer is seldom peeled away to reveal the true value at it’s centre.

analogkid6103

• 19 February 2015, 09:38

Who would do that to you? You are one of the good people heresmile

Red
• 19 February 2015, 07:05

I am one of those that is guilty of not staying in touch. I’ll fully admit that. It’s not that I don’t care about my friends, or those that I talk to, it’s the simple fact that I forget.

I’m one of those that I’ll get involved with something, whether it be a project, a program, or some other thing that catches my eye and bam! I’m off, I get sidetracked by other things and before I realize it, days, weeks, hell months will go by and I haven’t returned messages, texts, etc. My mind is a sieve, You have to constantly stay on it or else it will run off without a second thought.

So without a doubt I have a following of people that are pissed off at me for not staying in touch, or as one told me earlier, giving them the “cold shoulder” and you know what? They are right, although my intentions are not malicious in any way. I simply forgot. So hate me, tell me to fuck off. I deserve it and don’t blame them one bit.

Now pardon me, you just reminded me that I need to charge my phone that’s been dead for two days…image

XtremeUPloads
• 19 February 2015, 08:08

Never thought I’d find someone in the same boat. Lol. I used to space days just because my mind gets so focused.

Red
• 19 February 2015, 09:33

Welp, You just did. Nice to meet you hehe

johnno23
• 19 February 2015, 07:01
People are the centre of their own worlds and often too selfish to realise that all people have a centre.
Just look at mobile phones………..you could be in discussion with someone you have not seen for 30 years but the mobile rings…you switch it off and the person ringing gets annoyed ???
I could ask why ??
In the old days a phone would ring and you could ignore it and people would assume you were out but these days they can get you anytime anywhere and then have the audacity to get angry if you don’t answer.
Now that is not an answer to your blog mate but it is a reality of todays mentality.
Real friends pick up where you left off regardless of the passage of time.

Kosjeyr
• 19 February 2015, 06:45

Not one for words but that is sad dude.

Out of the image I do:

10, 8, 7, 6/3, 5, 4, 2.

VTS
• 19 February 2015, 06:56

I thought the message was rather hopeful and encouraging when it comes down to it, mate. 🙂

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